Oh Fucking Hell!

2017… 2017… 2017… that’s when I last wrote a post on this blog.

What the actual fuck was I doing?

Seriously.

What the actual fuck.

In a nutshell from 2017 until now many things have happened. Truly wonderful things and truly horrific things.

In a nutshell… I don’t know how I feel about that phrase. A colleague used to use it to reduce conversation and looking back I think she might have been rude rather than conscientious. Stories don’t need to be reduced. Reducing words won’t save the planet! All I’ve had are words and stories for a long time and using them and telling my story has started to set me free and this is why I want to start this again. For me. myself and I.

Clap.

So… I have a son, now 7. I also have a daughter now 5. I will write about them another time.

I look back at my posts from 2017 and I really do think what the fuck? Yes I’m funny and super good at writing but Jesus H Christ. What the actual fuck? My ‘partner’ at the time had truly convinced me that I was the problem, that I was angry all the time and it was ruining our relationship.

Wrong.

Fact: My ex-partner (yes) was and still is the most horrific monster, he is a demon in human form. He is, and I know this word is fashionable now and banded about like nobody’s business, and I do not use it lightly, a narcissist.

He discarded me in January 2022 and tried to hoover me back up in July 2023. July 2023 will mark the beginning of the worst 5 months of my life. The harassment, the abuse (and the realisation and acceptance of historic abuse), the police, the arrests, the court appearances, the child arrangement orders, the cohabitation conflicts.

But all of that stands as a sea of awe struck bystanders surrounding the golden plinth that is my NO. My first real no. My no. No. No. No. No. No. No.

I said NO. For the people at the back… I said NOOOOOOOOOO! To him. And my god did everything that I ever envisioned happen. Yes. Yes it did. Him in hand cuffs. Him with another women (well…. more than another…. but that’s for another time). Him using our children as weapons. Him using our house as a weapon. Him using actually weapons as weapons… jokes. The weapons he chooses are words. Words against me, against his children, against my family and his, my friends, his friends. WORDS!!!!!! (how cyclical my structure is guys – started with words and ending with them. Damn.)

His words were lies and they were all he had. However, I also had words… but that was not all I had I found out. I had evidence, I had family, I had his family, I had friends. By god did I have friends. My mantra for 3 months was ‘Lies have speed, but the truth has endurance.’

There were times I doubted it and lived in fear that his lies would win. I mean they’d won me over for 10 whole fucking years.

My truth won. I endured. Everything I have envisioned had come to pass. My worst fears realised and played out in front of my very eyes.

I am still here. I stand. I live. I breathe. I survive. Nothing that happened I could not adapt and cope with.

I realised that I am fucking strong. I am resilient. I am kind. I am clever. I am empathic. I am funny. I am clever.

Probably all the reasons he picked me in the first place to be fair.

He hates me. He is intent on destroying me. But what can he do? The worst things I feared have happened. I’m still standing. (tune)

Bring it on motherfucka.