Hello is this thing on?

I’m a teacher. I think I already established that in a previous post. So while, when people hear this, they tend to ‘ohh’ and ‘ahh’ and say ‘that must be hard… teenagers and that…’ I generally like, even sometimes LOVE my job and I am listened to, not only by my colleagues but by the pupils.

Yes, even the pupils. They listen to me. I am that good… okay once I’ve conditioned the children they listen to me.

My point is I am used to being listened to. Pupils jump at my every command:

‘Put your chair on all fours…’

‘Stop talking Sophie…’

‘Start writing 7b1…’

‘Pens down, eyes this way…’

These things are done almost immediately and without hardly any threat of violence.

My colleagues listen to me, dare I say it, they even respect my opinions and ideas, for the most part. It helps that I got a little bit of a reputation for ‘not giving a fuck’ when expressing my opinion on things, becoming a voice for my Department when things were being executed shittly (yes I’m using it as an adverb! Sue me). They would clap me on the back, say they’d all been thinking it. Or before a meeting they’d turn around and say ‘don’t worry the angry pregnant lady will tell the truth.’ (Obviously now I’m back and not pregnant I will rein it in as hormones are no longer an excuse and I don’t want all the ‘in charge’ people to hate me forever. I want more money, i.e. promotions.)

My whole point to this preamble is… dun dun duuuuunnnn:

I am not used to not being listened to. And yet despite this I am constantly ignored, suppressed, just not fucking listened to by my other half, every fucking day, a million times a day (I use the hyperbole for effect).

These are my ideas on why he doesn’t listen:

  1. He is distracted by the electronic device he has in his hand,
  2. He is distracted by the many hours of gaming he does in the evening,
  3. He does not think what I am saying needs to be stored,
  4. He is just incredibly ignorant,
  5. To him, I am not important enough to be listened to.

That last one, number 6 is the kicker. Why you ask? He is my life partner, he chose me to go through life with as his equal – well that’s how I understood relationships anyway, so… am I not his equal, does what I say not need to be listened to, or worse when sometimes he seems bored by my conversation, even telling me to ‘skip to the end’ (Which by the way would be funny if he’d even seen Spaced – but he hasn’t).

I have to ask him why? Why are we here? Why do we endure with this relationship if you cannot listen to me, cannot engage with me on an intellectual level in its simplistic form: conversation?

We used to converse all the time, about anything and everything. The first time we met was via Skype and we spent the whole day talking. He set a standard and that standard is never met now. It makes me sad that I have to corner him to converse with him, I have to surprise attack him with conversation when we’re about to go to bed, or the in the car – places he can’t run away from.

Oh I’ve gone off topic – this has turned into the Lost Conversation and that wasn’t my intention. I needed to off load about his inability to listen, his inability to listen to instructions, requests for help, reminders of plans, proposed plans and so on…

Is it all men? Is it just my man?

Plans are made, I tell him these plans. Several times. He plans something else.

I tell him something about a joint task that had to be completed concerning our family. He asks me about it 20 seconds later. I stare at him in horror. I was JUST talking about that.

In conversation, I ask three questions, a void of silence, as he plays on his phone.

And the list goes on. And on. And on… I don’t know what to do. When I bring it up to him he thinks it a joke but how do I explain to him that 12 year olds treat me better than him, respect me more than him. How do I explain that?

I know that it’s ironic that I’m writing on a blog that no-one reads, about a partner that doesn’t listen to me but oh well at least here my words are written down, I can see them and they do not float away unheard. Here they will stay and they may be unread but they will stay and that makes them matter. To me anyway.

 

 

 

 

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I’m holding my breath… 

I’ve not been on for awhile and surely that’s an excellent thing as I’m only supposed to write when I’m furiously angry at life, the world, my partner… and I haven’t been. 

I mean it’s not perfect, this morning he lied about there being bacon in the fridge as he was ‘tired’ and didn’t want to make me a bacon sandwich… wanker… but then he had been up since 6.30am with the 7 month old and let me sleep in… so not a wanker?!? 

It’s things like this that have me very confused, in one breath he does something wonderful, and a lie in till 8.30am is a wonderful thing (I know, if 21 year old me could see me now, she’d kill me), and then lie about bacon, the swine (Not going to aplogise for that lil’joke).

And I’ve thought about it a lot and while it may sound like I’m generalising, I am not. I’m talking specifically about the men in my life, be it partner, brothers, friends and friend’s partners, we ALL have very similar complaints. So therefore, I have come to the conclusion that my man and the men I know are very much like dogs and should be treated and trained as such. 

Oh christ… I do apologise to everyone as looking at it in black and white it looks horrendous and horribly offensive… BUT my realisation led to a strategy and my startegy is working!!! 

I have a dog, see Silver Linings and we have had him in dog training, which I experienced first hand as the partner was off making big bucks on rigs. So my strategy revolves around this:

1. Positive reinforcement

No shouting, no moaning, no anger. 

Treats are awarded for a job well done. Treats include a ‘well done’, a ‘thank you,’ a blow job, sex depending on the level of work, thoughtfullness and care given to the task. 

Keep thanking them, it doesn’t matter that in your four year relationship you have put a wash load on 2,450 times, if he does it once of his own filition, he is praised, you treat that shit like he just saved a fucking child from a burning building. Just do it. 

2. Repetition is key

There is a fine line here, not repeating the task over and over, this may be construed as nagging and they rebel immediately against that. 

I have found repeating the instruction twice and then getting them to repeat it back to me works well. 

But the real secret is getting them to self correct. This line is golden baby. ‘Babe, what should you be doing right now?’ They get all sheepish and tell me and then do it!!! Amazing!!!

3. Be upfront and honest. 

Our command for Silver when he’s licked, whined, barked gone crazy too much is ‘enough’ and I’ve learnt to communicate this with Life partner. Enough playing on your game, enough buying crap, enough picking your nose, enough. 

Enough laziness, it will break us. I’m back to work soon and working and doing the level of housework and child rearing I’m doing, now if continued will break us. My honesty has been rewarded and I can see my partner actively trying. Hell today it’s like I didn’t have a 7 month old, I lay in, I went to the cinema, did lunch, napped!!! It was glorious and it was because adult number 2 did some actual adulting. And I haven’t stopped praising him since.

So really, number 3, it’s about communication, these men don’t get subtle hints, stoney silence and death stares. They only understand when you explicitly tell them, and only then can they do something about it. And if they love you they will, and if they don’t… well then he truly is a dog and needs to be rehomed. 

I’m really sorry for the offensive nature of my blog today, it’s all in good fun and I know men who bring domestic bliss to their relationship as they are a domestic god… my dad for one… but these are my thoughts on my own situation and my own male counter part so whateves man. Go fetch!