Hello is this thing on?

I’m a teacher. I think I already established that in a previous post. So while, when people hear this, they tend to ‘ohh’ and ‘ahh’ and say ‘that must be hard… teenagers and that…’ I generally like, even sometimes LOVE my job and I am listened to, not only by my colleagues but by the pupils.

Yes, even the pupils. They listen to me. I am that good… okay once I’ve conditioned the children they listen to me.

My point is I am used to being listened to. Pupils jump at my every command:

‘Put your chair on all fours…’

‘Stop talking Sophie…’

‘Start writing 7b1…’

‘Pens down, eyes this way…’

These things are done almost immediately and without hardly any threat of violence.

My colleagues listen to me, dare I say it, they even respect my opinions and ideas, for the most part. It helps that I got a little bit of a reputation for ‘not giving a fuck’ when expressing my opinion on things, becoming a voice for my Department when things were being executed shittly (yes I’m using it as an adverb! Sue me). They would clap me on the back, say they’d all been thinking it. Or before a meeting they’d turn around and say ‘don’t worry the angry pregnant lady will tell the truth.’ (Obviously now I’m back and not pregnant I will rein it in as hormones are no longer an excuse and I don’t want all the ‘in charge’ people to hate me forever. I want more money, i.e. promotions.)

My whole point to this preamble is… dun dun duuuuunnnn:

I am not used to not being listened to. And yet despite this I am constantly ignored, suppressed, just not fucking listened to by my other half, every fucking day, a million times a day (I use the hyperbole for effect).

These are my ideas on why he doesn’t listen:

  1. He is distracted by the electronic device he has in his hand,
  2. He is distracted by the many hours of gaming he does in the evening,
  3. He does not think what I am saying needs to be stored,
  4. He is just incredibly ignorant,
  5. To him, I am not important enough to be listened to.

That last one, number 6 is the kicker. Why you ask? He is my life partner, he chose me to go through life with as his equal – well that’s how I understood relationships anyway, so… am I not his equal, does what I say not need to be listened to, or worse when sometimes he seems bored by my conversation, even telling me to ‘skip to the end’ (Which by the way would be funny if he’d even seen Spaced – but he hasn’t).

I have to ask him why? Why are we here? Why do we endure with this relationship if you cannot listen to me, cannot engage with me on an intellectual level in its simplistic form: conversation?

We used to converse all the time, about anything and everything. The first time we met was via Skype and we spent the whole day talking. He set a standard and that standard is never met now. It makes me sad that I have to corner him to converse with him, I have to surprise attack him with conversation when we’re about to go to bed, or the in the car – places he can’t run away from.

Oh I’ve gone off topic – this has turned into the Lost Conversation and that wasn’t my intention. I needed to off load about his inability to listen, his inability to listen to instructions, requests for help, reminders of plans, proposed plans and so on…

Is it all men? Is it just my man?

Plans are made, I tell him these plans. Several times. He plans something else.

I tell him something about a joint task that had to be completed concerning our family. He asks me about it 20 seconds later. I stare at him in horror. I was JUST talking about that.

In conversation, I ask three questions, a void of silence, as he plays on his phone.

And the list goes on. And on. And on… I don’t know what to do. When I bring it up to him he thinks it a joke but how do I explain to him that 12 year olds treat me better than him, respect me more than him. How do I explain that?

I know that it’s ironic that I’m writing on a blog that no-one reads, about a partner that doesn’t listen to me but oh well at least here my words are written down, I can see them and they do not float away unheard. Here they will stay and they may be unread but they will stay and that makes them matter. To me anyway.

 

 

 

 

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From Brilliant to Shit. 

I’ve had a brilliant day. I’ve taken the boy bear out to a friend’s house, had my favourite meal cooked for me – paella, followed by cheesecake, yum, and had a good old natter. 

I got home, fed the bear, had some fun with my partner, laughing, joking, flirting in the kitchen. 

Fun. Happy. Relaxed. Calm. 

Bear goes to bed, bear is learning to cry it out. Bear is just standing, silently, glancing at the camera, which, with night vision makes him look like something from a horror film. Partner and I watch this, we laugh, we enjoy. 

Context is set – we’ve been having fun all evening, laughing, joking teasing. 

So this is where it turns, and why I hear you ask? Because he turns on his game. 

I go in to tell him something and I clock he’s taken one of my Coke Zeros. I DO NOT BEGRUDGE HIM A COKE ZERO. However  it has been standard for me to mock rage and threaten death, so I lean to get it, take it and mock rage ensues… but my leaning over causes him to die on his game so fuck me… it’s like he literally died in real life. 
I put the can down and he kicks it off the couch saying I can have it, I explain the joke, he doesn’t want to get it. 

So I lose it.

I smack the wall with my hand. 

The baby begins to cry. 

Fuck you life partner. 

Why does this game change your whole personality? How am I supposed to know when to stop joking? Stop having fun with my best friend? 

Fuck you. You’re a dick when that game is on. Fuck you and now I’ll daydream that that fucking game console somehow trips and falls right out of the god damn window. 

Now my hand hurts, my heart hurts and we’re not speaking. From brilliant to shit in 2 seconds flat. I should write a fucking book. 

Angry mum out. 

Silver Linings. 

This is a love letter to my hound. Silver… get the title now. I am hilarious and so very clever. 

My anger is taken out on three ‘people’ in my life: my mother, my partner and my dog. And I’m going to take my time and just think of all the positives that my hound brings to my life and then maybe, just maybe, I’ll begin to love him more than my anger makes me hate him in those heat of the moment, angry pits of hell, fire and brimstone I fall into. 

Origins of Silver:

He was bought as we were burgarled, I was in the house and my partner was offshore and felt the distinct helplessness a man gets when something happens to someone he loves and he wasn’t there. Silver was bought for £50 from Gumtree in Yorkshire, we’re pretty sure he’s a staffy rotty cross. 

Playing with fire you might say… 

And I look back and cringe but god help me if it wasn’t the best £50 we’ve spent. He is the best dog. Like seriously. 

So let my positivity in the form of a list commence! 

  1. My dog is handsome, he’s 39kgs of pure muscle and leaness. He’s eyes truly are the windows to the soul. He has won awards. This is not just my opinion. He’s won Most Handsome Dog and Reserve Best in Show… in Telford… okay, in a small village off Telford…. in a very small local dog show… but still, it’s not just me. And to be fair that dog gets more compliments than my very cute (okay, that is all my opinion, and every chuffer on facebook, and my mum’s) 6 month old son, walking down the street. If he understood, he would have a big head. Fact. 
  2. He was bought for protection and he looks and sounds the part. Many a time I’ve opened the door to a delivery man who is now standing on the other side of the gate after hearing the dog bark and launch himself at the door, vibrating the whole house but serving his purpose and protecting his family. 
  3. He is so much more than protection, he is part of our family. He completes my partner’s perfect picture of family life, although that perfect picture surely cannot include the sea of hairs I sweep up every day, every day, every day, every day… no!! Positivity only! Hairs are hairs and once my boy is old enough that’ll be one of his special chores… 
  4. He has the most amazing temperament, he has the patience of a saint with my niece, who is eight, he performs all his ‘tricks’ for her, although I rue the day she taught him ‘paw’! He lies with her acting as a pillow while she watches TV, a true indication of the relationship my son and his best friend, Silver will have. 
  5. I can already see the boy and Silver’s relationship forming. Silver has finally begun to relax around the child and while he does spend a large part of his day trying to lick him to death, they make a really cute duo. The boy gets super duper excited whenever he sees Silver, he chases him in his walker, grabbing fur, ears and collar and Silver sits patiently, wanting nothing but to lick this little boy. Dinner time is The Best!!! I’m shouting at Silver for licking the boy’s hands and waiting for a morsel of food to drop and the boy, staring me straight in the eye, reaches out his hand, full of rusk, to feed the bloody dog! And Silver softly and gently with his mammoth jaws takes the food, not daring to look me in the eye! He knows better! But 6 months old and my son is challenging me and favouring the hound!!!! Oh how they shall be the best of friends. 
  6. Silver goes on runs with me, and sometimes when he thinks I’m in need of an extra effort (and this usually coincides with another dog going past) he stops dead and refuses to move!! Think of my extra work out!! Lifting and pulling a 39kg dog!! What a considerate pooch he is!! 
  7. In a time where life sucked for me, I’d been burgarled while I was in the house asleep, my partner was constantly away on rigs, I had Silver curled up beside me; my protector, my company, my dog. 

Silver, you are family and I’ll try really hard to remember, no matter what you do to fucking piss me off!!! 

Gaming… WTFFF

What the fucking, fuck, fuck is my new phrase and I feel the fucks right down in my angry soul!!!

PS4, X Box One, Wii, PSP… I’m not picky I hate them all. All of them can go die for all I care. 

One game in particular though – The Last Of Us… you fucking fuck fuck!! Why put the stupid, idiotic, world consuming internet game, fireflies vs fucking whatever into this game… so instead of the 2 days it takes to complete the story arc I have now lost my partner forever to this piece of shit game with his virtual friends who are just as fucking obsessed. Between the hours of 8pm till dawn I may as well be a single parent who lives alone, eats alone, watches TV alone and does everything a-fucking-lone!!! 

Once he enters that virtual world of death he might as well be fucking dead. He can’t contribute anything to our life together, nothing will get done, he finally ‘trusts’ me to do things, bearing in mind he spent a whole day balling me out as I said the next door neighbour’s builder could use our roof to gain access to his, breaking tiles in the process, and that’s my goddamn fault, I’m naive and incapable and he’ll handle everything. However, in the evening I could decide who lives and who dies and as long as it doesn’t interfere with his precious game, he ‘trusts’ me…. what a cock. 

To all online gamers, and I’m sorry about this but seriously how important are these virtual people you play with and the avitars you control? Are they going to help raise your child, that you had together, cook for you, clean for you, suck your dick for you? Hello! And I say this for all the lost and forgotten partners out there… pay attention to us, appreciate us or we’ll be gone and a virtual blowjob ain’t a smidge on the real thing.